by Stephen Weatherby
“Hey little guy! Are you having the BEST day ever? Oh my goodness, look at your cool shoes—are those super-duper rocket shoes?!”
“Umm… yeah”, the kid mumbled, before quickly walking away.
I can’t even count the number of times I have witnessed an adult have a conversation like this with a kid. And if I’m being honest, I have probably done it myself more than once.
There’s something about talking to kids that makes adults uncomfortable, like we need to switch into some sort of kid-friendly setting to truly connect with them. So, we bend down, make the goofy face, and say something silly with a cartoonish voice in a manner that resembles how we might talk to our pet dog or cat.
Why do we do that? Maybe it’s because we aren’t sure what we should say. Maybe we’re worried they won’t want to engage with us, and so we put all this effort into a dog and pony show in the hopes that they will like us. And when kids don’t respond, we just assume that we don’t have the “skill” or “gift” that others have and conclude that we aren’t called or gifted to work with kids.
And honestly, it comes from a good place. Because we want kids to feel comfortable, to have fun! But in all our effort to be engaging, we usually just end up being weird.
It’s almost like we forget that kids understand normal conversation.
I have spent many years working in children and youth ministry. I spent years working at Bayview Christian Camp, and even longer in various weekly youth ministries in the local church. But it took a long time before I finally learned this lesson for myself. I put so much time and effort into creating unique ways to connect with kids and youth, and always found myself frustrated by the result.
I was recruited to the board of directors for Canoe Cove Christian Camp in the fall of 2021. During my second summer in that ministry, one of my teen staff said something to me during orientation, and it has completely re-shaped how I approach children and youth ministry:
“I’m really happy you came to the camp. You’re an adult, but you actually talk to me and treat me like a real person, not like I’m someone’s pet puppy or toddler.”
At first, I laughed – and I laughed hard. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only was their experience all too common – but that most kids and teens have a deep, deep hunger for real connection with adults that they can trust. They are craving authenticity. They want to be seen and heard for the people they really are, with all their thoughts, worries, concerns, hopes, dreams, questions, and doubts.
REAL connections and engagement happen when we drop the act, stop overthinking, and simply talk to kids like the real people that they are.
Kids can smell inauthenticity a mile away. They have a strong radar for fake enthusiasm and forced interactions. They know when you’re wearing a mask, and that is exactly what the majority of adults are wearing when they try to interact with kids and youth. When we try to connect with kids in this way, they don’t feel seen and heard. Instead, what they feel is indifferent, unseen, or even patronized.
How would it make you feel? Imagine yourself going to Tim Hortons for your morning coffee, and then someone comes up to you and says, “Oh my GOODNESS, look at your BIG COFFEE! Is that SOOO YUMMY? Are you having the BEST DAY?!”
You probably wouldn’t think, “I like this person! Maybe I should get to know them better and open up to them about my life.”
No! You would probably back away slowly, and have your phone ready to call 911 in case they follow you.
Why? Because IT’S WEIRD!!!
Kids feel the same way.
They don’t want an adult to put on this weird, fake personality and try to be their friend. They don’t want a silly voice and a goofy face. What they want, what they are so DESPERATELY craving, is authenticity and sincerity.
Kids respond to adults who are willing to TRULY engage with them, who are willing to have a real conversation, who will talk to them like an adult. Kids may have a strong radar for fake enthusiasm and forced interactions, but their radar is just as strong for a genuine interaction and connection.
The secret to truly connecting with kids and youth, is so simple that it almost sounds too easy to be true:
Just be a normal person.
Seriously, that’s it. Just be a normal person and treat them like one too. The best way to connect with kids and youth is to just be yourself. Be yourself and show an interest in them.
Have a real conversation! Talk to them like you would another adult, but more importantly, LISTEN to what they have to say. Talk about what THEY want to talk about and let them drive the conversation.
Of course, you still do need to be mindful of their age, and what is appropriate. There are conversations you may not / should not have. There are conversations that you need to tailor for their age, or where they are in life, and that is ok! You can still do those things and have a normal conversation. You can still do those things and treat them like a real person.
But I promise you this: if you really, truly, AUTHENTICALLY engage with kids, you will be amazed by what takes place. Kids and youth are starving for real, authentic connection with adults who they can look up to, but there are not enough adults willing to be their authentic selves with kids.
But when you make that decision, you should be prepared for what will happen next. Because they will suddenly be your biggest fan. They will want to talk to you all the time. They will ask your advice, and they will bring you their deepest hurts and struggles. They will put their trust in you, and look up to you as a model for who they want to become.
That is both an incredibly precious thing to experience, and a tremendous responsibility to hold.
Kids don’t just want normal conversation; they want deep connection.
Think back to when you were a child, or a teenager. The world is a very different place through the eyes of a young person. They feel everything so much stronger, and their minds are always buzzing. The smallest words or experiences in life can crush them; make them feel lost and alone, confused and scared. Words can also make them feel seen and heard, known and loved.
They want someone to trust with all of it. Someone who they know has their best interests at heart, but who also will treat them like a real person and listen to what they are going through. Someone who they know loves them and cares about them, but who will also sometimes say the hard thing that they need to hear.
They want a mentor. And you need to be prepared for that.
You need to truly ask yourself if that is who you want to be to them. If you are willing to go the distance, to open yourself up, to share from your life, then do it. If you are willing to listen, to hear, to care, to love, and to guide, then do it. If you are willing to be a shoulder to cry on, to walk with them through the darkest moments of their young lives, and to sometimes tell them what they NEED to hear, not what they WANT to hear, then do it. But if you can’t do it, then don’t. Because once again, kids feel everything strongly. Once they have given you the sacred gift of their trust, a single cruel word or patronizing comment can wound them deeply. What you teach them and share with them has the power to shape their lives, but it also has the power to tear them down.
You need to be prepared for that responsibility and consider the significance of what their trust means.
If you want to truly connect and engage with the young people in your church, then just be yourself. Open yourself up and see what happens. I promise that you will learn JUST as much from them about life and faith, as you will teach them. And the reward of watching them grow into the adults and mature believers that they will become is worth more than gold. They won’t just be some kid you decided to engage and connect with, they will become as close as family to you.
For me, this all started with a willingness to just be my authentic, genuine self with the kids and teens that I was working with. All I did was talk to them like normal people, like adults. All I did was take the time to listen to them.
Because I was willing to do that, they now come to me with their joys, their hurts, their worries and concerns. They come to me when they are struggling with their faith, and they come to me when they are filled with passion for their faith. They ask me questions and ask for advice. They share stories from their day, jokes they’ve heard, funny videos they saw. And I share with them too. I share deeply from my own experiences at their age, my own stories, my own joys, hurts, worries, concerns, and the times that I too have struggled with our faith.
What started as a simple attempt to improve at engaging and connecting with young people, has evolved into something that I never anticipated or expected. These conversations and mentoring relationships with these kids have become one of the greatest blessings of both my ministry, and my life.
I want to be clear that I do not take credit for all these things. In fact, I learned this “secret” in part from watching other adult leaders who had been part of the camp ministry at Canoe Cove do the very same. My experience is not only mine, but that of many other dedicated adults working beside me. What is taking place there has been a huge team effort, and we have seen God working in amazing ways. To Him be the glory!
But with that said, it can also be a little scary, sometimes.
Realizing the incredible weight that my words, thoughts and actions now carry in their lives has been both humbling and terrifying.
It has challenged me to be a better person, to wear my faith and heart on my sleeve. It has challenged me to be an example worth following, and it has convicted me harder than ever when I fall short. It has challenged me to be more mindful of my own walk with Jesus, and to be ever aware that my faith is not just personal – the way that I live out my faith, or fail to do so, has consequences that reach beyond just myself. My faith has been enriched and strengthened by these kids in unexpected ways.
Our door is always open to them. My wife and I invite them all over to our home for the night, once a month. It’s crowded and noisy, yes! But it is wonderful. They know we are on their team, and always here for them. Their phone numbers are always set to ring through, no matter what time of day or night.
They aren’t just kids to us, not anymore. They are family.
Watching them grow and mature is an incredible privilege. And as the oldest ones have begun entering adulthood, we have witnessed the coolest thing take place: They have started to mentor the younger kids coming up, out of their own initiative.
How did this all happen? How did I get here?
It was simple, really.
It all began when I realized that kids are surprisingly fluent in normal conversation.
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